You dont have to

play nice.
You dont have to try and make amends.
Theres no need to fake it.
Or fake anything.
Speak the truth. Your mind. Your heart.
Itd be nice.

Is that what you call tact?
You're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back.

And I hope someday you'll find all the answers to the questions
on your mind.
In time you will cross the line
and you'll realize that everything you thought was right.


I feel so lucky. So blessed and granted something I
have been looking for and yet never found.

No worries, no issues, and admiration that
makes me feel like a million dollars.
No convincing needed. No good days and bad days.
No disbelief.
And thats all I could ask for. And it fell into my lap.

And supposedly theres so many
rumors and drama at the store.
I'm not disappearing.
I'm not leaving.
I'm not quitting.
I love my job.
I love the people I work with.
At the most, I almost want to transfer.

Put your back to the wind

and let the dead leaves just float past you.
Thats all that it requires.
Look to the sky. See that its a beautiful day outside.
the sun is shining.
Let the leaves play a marionette like dancing game around your ankles as you kick up sticks and stones down the street.
And thats all it takes.
Thats all it takes to just let it go.
To move on. To clear your conscious, your second thoughts.

You see, you don't seem to know what you want, and I'm sorry. But you should have decided all of this weeks ago. Passive aggression and stubbornness could just be your bane. You're still at a grasp to finding things about you. And you can admit it. Now just fix it. If you're leaving the wrong impression on somebody, then maybe you should check yourself. If you cant figure yourself out to the point where nobody else can either, then thats a problem.

-

My life, is fantastic.
In fact, I couldn't be happier, readers.
Simply put, I feel like the luckiest guy in the world.

Also, I picked up a shift as a Barista at Kennedy and Westshore, and realized how uptight my store really is. We are apparently the only store in the district that doesnt have any parties or get-togethers whatsoever. And it's not just because of this, but I'm starting to consider a transfer. Theres way too much going on at my store. In a bad way.

In any case, I'm just smiling at the sun on my face, the hand in mine, and the wind in my hair.

Tell all my friends I'm dead.

Just hold your breath.

The words have been stumbling around through my head for a few days.
And yet I'm still at a loss for how to put this.

Catalyst.

I dont understand how you always made me out for the bad guy. I'm wrong. It's my fault. And it's always the blame. I know blaming someone else is the usually the easiest thing to do, but sometimes you have to realize that you can't grow as a person until you can take the fall for your own actions. Or in your case, lack of actions.
And it's probably just the way you are. It's like trying to approach a tank armed to the teeth. You've got the armor and shell, you're in it, you've got words, and you've got a selfish disposition that places you at the guns.
Do you know that you do it? Do you realize in your head that you're always on the path to get the upper hand in every situation? To always come out on top. It's like playing tetris: You'll never actually win, you'll try hard, get far, and then have to lose eventually. But it's either on purpose; A selfish mission to possibly better yourself and your own independence by polishing your A game, or completely subconscious. Just know that it happened. Happens. Repeatedly.

And you dont understand it. Dont know that its happening.

You insist to pull me down.

Because there are two types of people, the ones that would get it, and the people like you, who dont get it.
Because its fucking beautiful, that interaction.
And i love it.
Because it makes the exchange mean something to some people.

If anyone else looks at the whole picture it, they will understand everything on my side, and how you just dont get it.
Kind of like a movie that people watch and some people get it, and some people dont. Its like that, and the people who get it, will feel so much accomplishment from understanding the entire point which you missed, and there will always be the people who completely miss everything, and bitch about it like they're right.

You contradict the fact that you still want me around.

You're always slightly clever to just a certain extent, and its wonderful.

But theres a spot where I just say FUCK. I want you to understand. I want you to break away from this silly determined place that everyone else is an idiot and actually see theres so much more out there.
We can always hope.

And it's all downhill from here.

Its like you become scared of something so you self consciously manipulate any situation to sabotage it, as long as the other person is at fault though. I have a list, if you will, of a few things I never did say. You should have tried harder, you should have had more faith. Sure, you have it, but, as stated before, a relationship is a 2 way street. I could always see, that you just didnt want to invest anything. Efforts seemed half-assed, beating yourself up over the smallest of things. Simply put, you overreact. You blow things out of proportion and then reserve a spot in your own shell to avoid the blast.
And it was too much. It's not worth being down most of the time because I had to manage your downsides so often. Trying so hard for a smile. Only to barely receive any reciprocation.
Work on that: Reciprocation.

Turning people against me soon after? That was a tact act. Mature. Quite.
I know they all liked me. And then suddenly all turned away. Cold shouldering. You DO have a way with words. Manipulation is key.

Thats the danger in starting a fire,
You'll never know how many bridges you'll burn.

But I did the right thing. There is no pride. There is only heart. None broken, either. It was tearing me down. Even if you were passionate, your inability to show it would have forever been crippling.

Yeah, we used to be in love, but now we're just in like,
And we broke all our promises, and baby that ain't right
Because you don't know what it's like to lose it all…
(Take it back, take it back, because you don't know!
Take it back, take it back, because you don’t know
what it's like to be on the receiving end of it all!)
No! No! You were not on the receiving end of it all!
You beg and plead, but no one here can save you -
Why would they try when they can't quite save themselves?

I will never falter, I'll stand my ground.
Youre a. . .

Tone it down

Or hand me a shovel.
You're something else.


too much.

Breakthrough.

If love needs a reason, then there is no reason for love.
Emotions and logic counteract.
If you didnt, then I wouldnt have faith. And isnt that what love is? Faith in something extrinsic?

We have lust on a chemical reaction or a physical attraction; but love is something higher than that, something innate in what we perceive to be our common consciousness. And its younger sibling 'like' is in the same vein.
There are millions of reasons why people are compatible or not, or why they could like each other or not, but if you try to apply reason to arguably the strongest of human emotions, everything falls short.

Although we all know and sympathize with the content and quality of affection, and some of us even believe it to exist without ourselves (as in an external force that continues beyond our cerebral cortex), whether or not that is true is irrelevant.
There is no need for why or reason.

/end.rant.

Oh great

Another panic attack.

Wonderful.

Wheres my day off?

Its only Tuesday?
Busy.
Busy.
Busy.
Busy.
Non-stop.

Theres no other explanation for how its been.
School, work, chores.

Down-time.
I need it, badly.
I miss my friends, I miss my girlfriend.
I want to do something fun, meaningless and stupid.
Like Skate. Or steal signs. Or Do something nuts Vagina Mafia style.

Stressed is a much more mediocre term for how I feel right now. Rushed? Not even.
Lets try. . . insane.

Thursday is my only window of opportunity this week.

Carpe Diem.

I sat

and watched the birds.
I watched them traverse effortlessly across the vast lot.
I sat and watched the hanging fog slowly dissipate and the morning sky fight a fruitless battle to turn from gray to blue.
And I thought to myself:
I wonder what it would be like if we could just. . . fly everywhere.
You know, never in my life have I had the "I can fly" dream. Whether it be lucid or normal, I've never gotten the pleasure of soaring above.

Hmm.

It's like people watching, but so much easier. Birds dont care if you stare. Birds dont judge me. The might shit on my car and favor me for the crumbs I have to share, but thats their nature.

"
Karen Pommeroy: This could be the death of an entire way of life, the end of an era...
Donnie: Why should we care?
Karen Pommeroy: Because the rabbits are us, Donnie.
Donnie: Why should I mourn for a rabbit like he was human?
Karen Pommeroy: Are you saying that the death of one species is less tragic than another?
Donnie: Of course. The rabbit's not like us. It has no... keen look at something in the mirror, it has no history books, no photographs, no knowledge of sorrow or regret... I mean, I'm sorry, Miss Pommeroy, don't get me wrong; y'know, I like rabbits and all. They're cute and they're horny. And if you're cute and you're horny, then you're probably happy, in that you don't know who you are and why you're even alive. And you just wanna' have sex, as many times as possible, before you die... I mean, I just don't see the point in crying over a dead rabbit! Y'know, who... who never even feared death to begin with. "

Nature. What a broad term.
Lets apply it to humans.
Human Nature. It's a broad subject, but we can do well to apply it tot he whole people watching aspect.

Theres been a quote that I've been tossing around in my head for a couple days:

"Life is a tragedy for those who feel, and a comedy for those who think."

Can you tell who feels, versus who thinks? it's a spectrum, although, it's one of many. It's a valid subject, but there are so many more sides to the puzzle here. And I know this, which is why this is a slowly developing thing. I'm not going to jump feet first into observation of human nature. But it's my thing. I'm a PEOPLE person. It's in my blood to interact with people.

[And this quote has no reason to cause worry. There is a story behind this, as well as everything else I have come to be. No jumping to conclusions or fret over it. No i'm not a robot, or a machine, or heartless. I know where I stand, just ask me about it.]

Maybe I am in the wrong field. Education might be a good way to touch kids,

ha. . .

But in reality what if theres a social science job that maybe could suit me more, or a public relations job. I dont know. With a degree and a well written resume in my hand, I can do more then I think I give myself credit for, I just need to finish up school.

In conclusion, I dont know how I want to finish this post. So I'll just leave it awkward and hanging.

The truth is, my life is great and I like where it's headed.

BADASSERDENNFUCK.

So Leeron calls, like she usually does, in the middle of the night, to tell me a story:

"So I was at the tattoo shop, and us and a few of the artists were standing around and talking about people who get stupid tattoos. And one of the artists was acting like a customer, coming in, saying:

[Must be read with a thick country accent]
I WANNA GET A TATTOO. . .
ALRIGHT, START OFF, I WANT A BIG GLORIOUS EAGLE, BIG AS SHIT.
AND BEHIND THAT, WAVING, THE AMERICAN FLAG.
AND UNDER THAT, WERE GONNA HAVE DALE EARNHARDT, because he's me hero. . .
RACING DOWN THE HIGHWAY. Ooh, dont forget a number 3 with a halo next to the flag, ANYWAY, HE'S GONNA BE HOLDING A SIX PACK.
AND IN TEH DISTANCE, THERES GOTTA BE THE TWIN TOWERS. NEVER FORGET. NEVER FORGET. THESE COLORS DONT RUN.
AND I'M THINKING A SNAKE, MAKING A MAKESHIFT STAGE FOR A ROCK STAR WEARING A BANDANA, AND HES GONNA BE SHREDDING IT UP, ON MY ARM.
AND ALL THIS, WE'RE JUST GONNA FLAME IT ALL OUT.
FLAME IT ALL OUT! ALL THE EMPTY SPACE. aLL THE REST OF MY ARM, JUST REAL AWESOME FLAMES.
AND IT'S GONNA BE BADASSERDENNFUCK."

That says it all. Fin.

I'm sitting here staring

At a stack of old negative sleeves I dug up from my photo class. Some of the neatest photos I think I've taken so far.

I'm missing one.

The "Woman will triumph" shoot.
I'd tear my room apart for that one.

The point is, Josh helped me take all these photos.
Josh. Joshua Paul Anderson.
Besides Arianne, possibly the only person that still remains in the area that I can truly call my BEST FRIEND.
You know what I'm talking about, reader. The Best kind of friend. The one that you can trust with all your secrets, the one you would take a bullet for. [And I know that there are a lot of people that you can consider doing this for, but if you sit down and evaluate that statement, you'll know what I truly mean.] The person that you could stay up all night telling stories with, fake stories, memories. Shit, just stay up all night. I could go on, but, this'll make more sense in a minute.
I could tell you all about my other few best friends, but that'll come at a later date.
This was inspired because I actually got to hang out with Josh tonight.
Thats a rare occurrence nowadays.
I mean, it's a drastic change. I used to spend every day with Josh. Every day. Thanks to the fact that we had 2 semesters together at USF, it made things so easy. Hell, I used to skip AM classes just to go sleep in his driveway until he woke up [if I didnt let myself in to fall asleep]. Skating. Taking photos. Going to Busch Gardens. Maybe class. I really miss those days. Thats a tip of the iceberg. If this blog was my best friend, I'd sit here and tell the stories and times we shared.

We both made our mistakes, but it's nothing that should have pulled us apart. It not even anything against each other. Just unfortunate circumstances.
So here's a vow. With one of the 2 remaining best friends I have left, I'm going to work on getting back to that point.

Josh, first of all, I owe you a bro's night out.

And as for you, the other half of this remaining equation, you are
Everything.

Smile huge. If you smile at one person every day, you can make their day.
Theres always optimism in the things I see.
In you, I see an almost unexplainable explosion of amorosity.
Try saying that 3 times fast.

It's nights like these

Where I know that nothing can bring me down.

You might understand, you might not, but I just CANT STOP SMILING.

CANNOT.

All the way home, I was beaming.

I'm a little sick from the hookah, but I'm already feeling better off of the cold.
I need a good nights rest.

My classes are amazing.
I have 3 great teachers, and one boring one, but the class makes up for it.
I'll be sleeping in that one.
Great Performances on Film. [fucking awesome]
Cultural Anthropology. [sweeeeet]
Child Psychology [snore]
World Perspective [fucking saved]

I'm going to go wind down now.


Just so you know, I never have a bad dream, when youre in it.

It's such a beautiful day outside.

I think Bruce and I need to go for a good drive.

I'm going rock climbing later today, thats something I haven't done in a long while.
I used to love it, too.

Hey, you. It took a lot of guts to do what you did last night, and for that, I have so many thanks for you. I respect you and the fact that you fought the urge to not tell things directly to my face.
I feel so much better now. I'm so glad we talked about what we did.
I'll definitely be seeing you later. :]

Also, I'm hungry.
And have a lot of chores to do.
BAHHH.


Some days all I do is watch the sky.

I really don't know what to say

about this evening.

I loved the people I went with, I'm so glad you got me that ticket.
I was going to be really sad if Spencer didn't get a ticket.
I really didn't want you to get sad or worry if he wasn't going to be able to get in.
I mean, as soon as we found out at Taco Bell, we were thinking up so many ways to solve the problem, cheer you up, do whatever it took.

You know I hate seeing you sad.

The show itself, was great.
Every band, especially A Day To Remember, were absolutely fantastic.
The people, on the other hand, not so much.
Ocala kids really dont care about other people.
At least we're all friends here on this side of town at shows.

What I'm really sorry about, is that everybody, especially you, got hurt.
I feel so bad about it.
I have been all evening.
Its a mixture of missing you, amorous thoughts, and this weird sinking feeling that I could have fixed things.
If I had only been there to stop it.
If I had only caught it happening.
If I had only been standing in a different spot, I would have gotten hurt, not you.
/sigh, please be okay.
Please smile.

I get done with classes tomorrow at 4:45.
I'll definitely see you afterwards. :]


<3

Oh man.

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This night.

Just keeps getting better and better.
Sorry I'm rambling people, but it really does.

I was sitting here at the computer, and then realized that I had a bunch of CD's all around my room, that I could throw into a case and put into my car. SO I started looking. I found a few in the cases i had around my bookcase, and then had an epiphany.

"Holy shit I have a whole body sized tupperware container stuffed with CD's in it under my bed."
And I looked.
And I pulled out my bass case.
And I pulled out my giant body sized tupperware container stuffed with CD's.

Ever find something like a time capsule that you made for yourself without even realizing it?
Just something that you stuff somewhere thinking you wont need to find it again?

THAT, was a trip into nostalgia. I was so happy. I found a giant stack of CD's, still that need to be sorted, some blank CDs, and the actual time capsule in question: My "Taylor's Box of Treasures" that I used to put all of my cool collection stuff into as a little kid. My eyes just lit up.
Like, this is so important to me that I really want to show this to you.
Ooh. Good night.

Oh jesus.

Can you tell that I'm bored?
I'm in a blogging type of mood.
[Actually, I'm in an amazing mood]

This weekend actually has me very excited.
Tomorrow, or rather, much later today; In fact, 24 hours from now, I'll be with Arianne.
Saturday is a long day of work, but busy or slow, it's always fun.
Sunday:

Yeah. Thats the face I made when I found out my girlfriend got us tickets to go see them.

A Day to Remember.


God damn.
Also, I find the most random shit on the Internet.
I'm proud.

Mmmm. Brains.

This isnt negative at all, just pondering.

I have no idea why my mom blew up on me tonight, people.
But she did, and it scared me.
I think she has some pent-up frustration that she wanted to vent and distribute to me.

But the bottom line is that she just suddenly clicked.
Like a switch flicked on in her head and she exploded into a fiery fit of rage that dwarves The Hulk.
Cursing, telling me I dont respect her, telling me I didnt complete my tasks, and am so minimal in the household.

And then when I got home, she was fine.
Just, said hi, told me what I needed to accomplish tomorrow, and went to sleep.


Da Fuuuuuuuck?

On the bright side, I am bringing lunch to my darling tomorrow.
She has no idea what she's getting, either.
But oh will she like it.

It's nights like these

When I know.
I just know.
Thank you.
I don't know where to start, beginning, middle, or end.

But

Thank you.

Truth is, I've got all the patience, you're still here. I'm way past satisfied with everything.
I'm thrilled, amorous, and optimistic.

Go ahead, ask me "What for?" I'll give you a huge list of reasons to thank you.

-

I had a lot of fun tonight. I had a great time. Juno was an excellent movie.
I was excited to see you all day, I had butterflies when I was with you, and I missed you before you even walked away from my car.

-


You are like a sunset to me.

Communication.

What can I say?
What can I do?

Theres so much to get out of you, that it's tough to know where to find it, exactly.
It's tough when you're as reserved as you are, because even speaking in things only you know make sense to you, can get me thinking way too hard.
And I worry.
You know I worry about you. I worry because I care so much. I care about you.

I care.

How many times can I say it? I mean it.

And you cant just be quiet because you think people don't care what you have to say. I know that could be a major chunk of your past, but as already stated: I care.

I don't just care, I listen. I love having conversations with you, because we both always have something to say.
I can see it in your eyes. I know. Youve always got something to say.
Why is it so hard for you to say it? I want to hear it.

When you cant find words, when you get in quiet spells, these random mood swings, I cant hope but that maybe you'll break your protocol and beat your programmed self to let it out.

A wise person told me today that the things that really make a relationship, and keep it are longevity, commitment, connection, and communication.

Communication is key.

So please, strike up conversation with me.
Tell me how you really feel.
Tell me it's true.
Tell me you want to jump, fall, be caught.

Because I'm ready to tell you all my secrets.